Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
They grow up so quick
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)