Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
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My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer