I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
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I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Ion see the issue
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder