me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Generation gap…
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?