[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road