My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Spotted in New Orleans.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.