Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.