Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
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his wife is probably gonna see that
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
choose your gary
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*