She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
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*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.