People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
just make the entire table out of coaster
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?