In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You Might Also Like
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea