My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
How wrong was this guy?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I am yelling
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.