[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
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me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
3% human
97% stress
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”