Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.