*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Important reminders
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.