my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
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Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
this chia pet tastes awful
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.