hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Guilty! 🤪
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?