If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
#Caturday
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda