NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
You Might Also Like
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.