Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.