I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Lmao
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.