If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…