[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*