[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Born to be mild.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.