Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.