My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Leaving the Barbers like
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.