[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
all that yoga finally paid off
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.