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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
How do you milk an almond?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…