If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
This guy’s not having it 😆
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
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