@daemonic3
@perlhack me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
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@perlhack 
@choniepony My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
@pointsymmetric 1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
@causticbob There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
@ladymisskate Doormats are a gateway rug.
@Area51eh This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
@RobinMcCauley I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
@sensual_dad I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
@HomeProbably Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.