@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

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@perlhack

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

@choniepony

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

@pointsymmetric

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@sensual_dad

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth