For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
2022 be like
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Duck typos.