Duck typos.
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
wtf is an acronym
Growing out my freckles.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.