Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.