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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I am never leaving this website
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.