Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Woke up against my better judgment again
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
happy mother’s day❤️
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂