Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
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Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age