i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.


“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season


there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them


I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.


Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing


The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.


A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.