i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
IT’S-A ME,
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
North and South
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?