@ihyjuju

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

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@JayTorch1031

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

@tmckenna1

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

@yoyoha

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

@GreenishDuck

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@kelkulus

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.