Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody