me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
i hope my email finds you on fire
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas