Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop