before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”