homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
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Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Lmao the reply
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.