Lmao the reply
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Something Saturday.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I know a bad idea when I see one.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Happy Caturday!
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.