[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks