My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
You Might Also Like
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I support this random dude and all his protests
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.