I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
You Might Also Like
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Confused owl: What?!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like