I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Good news
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Only Americans understand
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me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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