Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist