Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
#math
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go