i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”