People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
You Might Also Like
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again